


Sincerely, A King.

by GemuBoi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Death, Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, bad home life, homophobic, trigger warning, v sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 09:58:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4344083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GemuBoi/pseuds/GemuBoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe if I would have stopped pushing myself so hard I wouldn't be doing this. Maybe if I would have talked to Suga when he offered it. Maybe if I would have just talked to Hinata. God why am I doing this? </p><p>Maybe</p><p> </p><p>//</p><p>Or, when Kageyama feels like the pressure is too much and needs a way out of his own mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sincerely, A King.

**Author's Note:**

> written by: peachyoliver and mystic-crayon on tumblr 
> 
> SARAH AND OLIVER NOW HAVE THEIR OWN AO3 ACCOUNT! ITS benightedsouls! COME READ OUR WORKS!
> 
> (p.s. we're so sorry why did we do this???)
> 
> ALSO mystic-crayon on tumblr and here is the links!

_Kageyama Tobio. Alias; King of the Court._

_There was a stillness that lurked in my head as I stood in the shower. I knew it wouldn’t last long. I had been here way too many times and the sensations I felt were so familiar that I dream about them often. I could feel the warm tears slipping down my cheeks as I stood in the shower. I could feel the fact that the water was at least ten degrees too warm and causing my body to burn an unnatural red. I could feel the dull throbbing in my head caused by forcing down sobs into silent tears._

 

My memory haunts me. No, I guess the title I have been given haunts me. That title is the only thing that I can think about anymore. I try, believe me, I try to stop thinking. It’s just so damn hard when with every move you make you can feel yourself teetering on the edge of being a tyrannical king.

 

For three years, three fucking years, I have tried and tried to do my best. I am tired. I am so tired of pushing those around me, whether that be me pushing them away or pushing them too hard.

 

_Jesus, Kageyama, why don’t you just go away? Nobody likes you here._

 

They were all right, you know. I should just go away. No one would really miss me. Maybe Hinata would just mourn for a while but he would get over it. He would fall in love with some girl that was just as bright as he was and would live a happy life. Without me.  

 

_King, why is it that you stare at Hinata so much? What are you? Gay?_

But the thing is, I don’t want that dumbass to fall in love with anyone else. I want him to fall in love with me. I want him to feel the same way I do every time his eyes shine in a way that makes everything just almost okay. I want him to steal my food and stay with me when I need him most. I want to share my life with that annoying ball of energy.

 

I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much. How could I fall in love with a boy? I tried, once again, to tell myself that I wasn’t gay. That liking boys was gross. But here I am, fawning over the brightest person I’ve ever known. It hurts so much knowing that we could never be together. I am so sure that he would be disgusted by me. Hell, I’m disgusted by me; everyone is disgusted by me.

 

Fuck; everyone would be happier without me. All I do is cause pain and trouble.

 

My body moved on autopilot as my mind was clouded with impulsive thoughts. I walked into the bathroom and closed the door, not bothering to lock it. It’s not as if my parents were ever home anyway.

 

I pulled open the sink drawer and reached onto the side of it, peeling off the razor I had taped there a few months ago. I rub at the tears threatening to spill over and open the medicine cabinet. I pull out various medications that I had been prescribed for different things. I had sleeping pills for the insomnia that never went away and strong painkillers for the relentless pain that always found itself in my body after late nights up practicing until bruises formed on my body.

 

_“-King?”  “You only ever say I.” “Go sit on the bench, Kageyama.” “Selfish.” “Get away.”_

 

With every poor thought I had, another pill went down my throat. This pattern continued until I was out of medication to take and I was left with a sick feeling in my stomach.

 

I felt sobs rack through my body as I slid down the cold wall. With a hysteric chuckle and more tears falling I pulled out a pre-written letter and stared down at it. The envelope was addressed to the Karasuno Volleyball team and was written in my best handwriting.

 

_I sobbed as loud and hard as I could. My hands shook with a frightening ferocity and threatened to drop the pen in my hand. With a messy script I wrote out my final words as quick as possible, small tears fell frighteningly close to the paper that I was trying to keep clean. Between the rushed words and the poor handwriting, I was so relieved knowing that it could finally be all over. I was no longer sobbing and tears flowed freely. I simply tucked the envelope closed; not bothering to lick the envelope for proper sealing. I hope this will be good enough for those I love the most._

 

I threw the letter to the side and picked up a familiar piece of cold metal. The feeling was welcome and I rolled up my sleeves quickly.

 

I pressed the edge to my skin and tore it open. The feeling was like no other; it felt as if tearing the seams of a sweater. I could feel the seams of my skin ripping apart and it brought a feeling of relief with it. After the first one, I couldn’t stop. The world seemed to fade away around me as I sliced the delicate skin on my arms going higher and deeper with each lash.

 

My sleeve continued to slip over the red canvas and with a slight irritation I pushed them up. The cuffs of my sleeves were drenched in a dark sticky substance. Surely my mother would be angry if she could see the stains that are on my cream colored sweater.

 

Soon I ran out of the pale fabric of my skin and moved down to my thighs. The lacerations placed here were full of reckless need and were more sporadic than the ones placed on my arms. Though soon I ran out of room here and yet I still felt.. unsatisfied. I felt this need to continue ripping at the body that I was given.

 

I picked up the blade, my hands shook worse than they ever have and I pushed down very hard over the other wounds on my right arm and carved the word that meant the most to me. I carved the word that haunted me. I carved the title that I was graced with and that I would never forget.

**KING**

 

Blood pooled around my body as I lay slouched against the wall. I could feel my eyes getting heavy and my breathing began to slow due to blood loss.

 

Suddenly my body began to jerk around and the nausea that I had not noticed became overwhelming. Vomit began to spew from my mouth and the body that I no longer had control over thrashed around violently. I choked on my own puke and I could feel my eyes rolling back into my head.

 

Maybe if I would have stopped pushing myself so hard I wouldn't be doing this. Maybe if I would have talked to Suga when he offered it. Maybe if I would have just talked to Hinata. God why am I doing this?

 

Maybe

 

-

  


I found out the news today.

 

_“Is this Hinata Shouyou?”_

_A curt yes left my mouth._

_“This is the Miyagi hospital speaking. The parents of Kageyama Tobio would like to inform you that he committed suicide last night and that there is a letter written by him that was addressed to a ‘Karasuno volleyball team’. His parents currently have the note and are expecting you to retrieve it from their home. I’m very sorry for your loss.”_

 

I couldn’t breathe. What?

Kageyama, Kageyama Tobio, the genius setter, killed himself? No, that couldn’t be true.

Absolutely not. I refuse to believe it.

  


Right now I was biking to his house. I was pedalling faster than I probably should on a mountain road. It’s not like I was really paying attention though. Safety was the last thing on my mind as thoughts of Kageyama raged through my head. Just the other day, we had gotten meat buns from Ukai’s store, and I had the audacity to lean over and take a bite of his. He didn’t even hit me for it. He just kinda stood there and scowled at me.

 

Guess that won’t happen anymore will it?

 

No, this has to be one big practical joke. I’ll get to Kageyama’s house and he’ll jump out at me yelling ‘surprise!’

 

I suppose that would be out of character though, wouldn’t it?

 

Suddenly I’m there. The familiar door of the Kageyama household stands before me. It doesn’t feel so homelike anymore; it feels like the door to the executioner. My fist is shaking when I knock. It takes a while for anyone to answer. The door is pulled open slowly, I can see why. Kageyama’s mother is there. Her makeup is smeared and mascara streaming down her face. Neither of us say anything. She retreats back into the house but leaves the door open. She comes back only a moment later with an envelope in her grasp. She holds it out to me, both of our hands are shaking, and I take the envelope. It’s titled Karasuno volleyball team, just as the lady had said. I gave Kageyama’s mother an unsteady nod, and she slowly pushed the door closed. I took a deep breath and shakily exhaled. I needed to tell the others about this; did they already know? I definitely didn’t want to be the one to tell them.

 

I got out my phone, heading to my bike.

 

To: Suga

Could you get the team to meet me at Karasuno in 30? It’s important.

From: Suga

Sure, I’ll make sure everyone comes. Is something wrong?

 

Ignoring his question, I close my phone. I let the thoughts fall into the background and swing my leg over my bike before heading to Karasuno. I’m dreading reading that letter. This couldn’t be real.

 

When I arrive in front of the school gym, only fifteen minutes have passed since I left the Kageyama household. I’m shaking even worse now and I can barely take out the letter as I settle onto the concrete.

 

I began reading the words in Tobio’s voice,

 

“Dear everyone,

 

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry Hinata, Daichi, Suga, Nishinoya, Asahi, Tanaka, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Narita, Kinoshita, Ennoshita, and Kiyoko. Hinata, I'm sorry I won't be there to set for you. I'm sorry we can't eat lunch together anymore or walk to school together anymore, or race each other home anymore. It was fun though. You were the first person I considered a friend in a long time. I cared about you a lot. A little more than a friend actually. That would certainly disgust you though so I never told you. Please don't hate me. For the rest of the team, I'm sorry I have to leave you short a setter, but now Suga can set for you guys.

Please don't hate me for this.

 

Sincerely,

       A King

 

P.S. Hinata, you won our competition.

              100 to 99”

 

That **idiot**. Of course that **stupid** **idiot** would write such a short letter. Of course Tobio would confess in his **suicide note**. Of course he would think that we could ever hate him. Of course.

 

I was sobbing when the rest of the team arrived. My eyes were streaming tears. My whole face was red, my throat was closing up, and I was absolutely wailing. The burning in my throat and the fact that my lungs were practically screaming for air doesn't make anything better. I still had the letter clenched to my chest, lightly crumpling it without care.

Suga came to me first. He sat next to me in a half embrace.

 

“Hinata, what’s wrong? Tell me what happened.”

 

I could barely get out a strangled voice that didn’t resemble anything that I was used too. “.. **Tobio**..”

 

I held out the letter to Suga who took it with caution. He read it quickly and gave the team a look that told them just how bad this was. He gave it to Daichi who passed it around after reading it himself. Soon enough everyone was crying with me, even the cold hearted Tsukishima had the decency to look empathetic.

 

This isn’t how I wanted to win.

 

-

 

Hinata sat down on the soft grass. The flower in his hand looked like it wasn’t ready to be picked, and it wasn’t; though he wasn’t worried about it. He knew that Tobio would be grateful Hinata picked him the only sunflower by the mountain road, even if it wasn't fully bloomed. The boy gently laid the sunflower down in front of Tobio’s grave stone.

 

This wasn’t the first time that Hinata had come to see Tobio at his grave. At this point he was almost used to the dull gray color and the fact that when he sat down it was as tall as he was. There was one thing that Hinata would never get used to; the name Kageyama Tobio inscribed on the slab of concrete that sat before him

With a small sigh, Hinata thought about the first time he came to visit his dear friend.

 

_“You dumbass!” He choked out in between tears. After his tears slowed down and his body stopped rocking back and forth, Hinata looked up at the gravestone as if he were looking into Tobio’s eyes._

_“Its so sad without you. No one talks about the feeling in the room, but it’s there and we all know it. I liked you too, idiot. I miss you so much, more than you can imagine. Do you remember that one time you brought me a meat bun in the middle of the night because I was craving one? I think thats about the time that I fell in love with you. You could have just told me about how you felt you know.. I never would have thought that it was disgusting.”_

 

With a shake of his head, Hinata put his thoughts into the back of his mind for later. The male looked up at the tombstone and smiled.

“Hey Tobio! It’s me, Hinata. Today I ate three whole meat buns in five minutes flat and Nishinoya was all like “Gwahhh that's so cool!” and then we had a competition to see who could eat the most. I hope you like your flower that I brought you, it's the only sunflower that I could find. Anyway, so today we found out that Suga and Daichi are together! I couldn’t believe it! Everyone was all like ‘eehh!?’ And then we were all congratulating them and stuff when Nishinoya was suddenly like “I saw you two making out in the storage closet this one time! And so…”

 

As Hinata rambled on about his day to his friend, a small gust of wind softly danced through the air almost as if Tobio was there with him with a smile on his face.

 

And Hinata could swear that while he was talking, there were sapphire eyes gazing back at him.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i mean technically its happy at the end
> 
> also fanart by mystic-crayon  
> http://puu.sh/iZwQw/16802f69a5.jpg (very graphic/includes like all the trigger warnings)  
> http://puu.sh/iZwNu/9cda9b7a5f.jpg


End file.
